Have you ever lost a loved one? I know my asking again makes me sound tedious.  But seriously, have you? And aged parents do not quite count. I know this sounds insensitive and off-putting. But honestly, nobody can live forever and for those who lived to a ripe old age, the time will come to pass on. It is an inevitable outcome. Grieve as much as we need to but the pain should ease gradually, as we all accept that every living cell has an expiry date.  And lest you think I lack the empathy,  my father, at 86 had also passed on some years ago.

So have you truly lost a loved one, someone so close to your heart and who is unwavering in her trust and faith in you, who could read you like a book and who would accept you for all your failings, loving you and be loved without pre-conditions and pretences? Some one who really needs you and in turn make you in need of her? Someone whom you have promised to love in sickness or health and in good times and bad and have done so for the last 30 years?

I would never ever wish that on anyone.

It has already been 45 days since she drew her last breath as she succumbed to the cancer and the bacterial infection that overcame her. That last aspiration of air signalled her admission of defeat, with her battered will to keep her fragile heart in pulsation giving way to the debilitating disease. And with the life force draining out, her tiny hand, held in mine, stiffened and turned pale and cold.  It is a feeling that sickened me to this day and will do so for a long time to come.

Needless to say, from then on, life will never be the same again.

Because you would wake up each day with the stark realisation that she is gone. It is a surreality,  a strange new world where someone very close and important to you is missing. It is a crushing feeling to start the day this way. God, if you believe He exists, must be playing a cruel joke.  Your dreams appear to be twisted in reverse order because you would be waking up from your sleep into what seems an imminent nightmare. And this bad dream could well last the rest of the day.

You summon your inner strength to reflect on the things you need to get done for that day, after all life has to go on - there are errands to run, office chores, meetings and so on.  But truly, these appear to be noting but pointless distractions. You try to find meaning in each of them, "connect the dots" so to speak but again it seems too pointless to try. You need to draw deeper from your inner reserves to push yourself into motion and set aside the grief for awhile to keep going. But at some point in the day the pain inevitably returns.  And so the day moves on in stops and start. You take time out now and then and pause to relieve the pain. It is raining somewhere in your heart and you fight to hide the tears from the people around you.

And this is how you will feel if you lose a loved one. Life would appear tainted in darker shades. A bright sunny day brings little joy. 

I used to enjoy a wide range of music genre but now the melodies sound off pitch and at times, even noisy.  For so many years I was a fanatic supporter of the Liverpool Football Club, following their triumphs and defeats with equal passion and misery.  You will never walk alone as the LFC anthem goes. But I find myself walking alone now in the pain that follows my wife's demise. I still watch the weekend live matches when I can but  more so in a trance-like state. Each game appears dull and monotonous and it matters little now whether my favourite team wins or loses.  It is even harder to concentrate on reading a book and it will be awhile before I can recover my reading habit.

So what is the point I am trying to make?

Plainly, it is utterly painful to lose a loved one. No amount of words can truly describe how painful I feel and how badly I miss my beloved wife.  If you had the terrible misfortune of also having recently lost your spouse you would understand perfectly my state of mind.

I could only end with the sober reminder that while you and your spouse/partner are both alive and in good health, treasure the time you have together and set aside petty differences to cherish these moments. Life is unpredictable. Life can be fragile.  The good moments may not last forever nor into the next day, week, month or year. When they are gone, you will realise they are gone too soon...