Dean Koontz on Grief

I stumbled on a quotation by American author, Dean Koontz which really moved me.

Since Jenny's departure, much of my grief was centered on how much I could have been a better husband when I had the chance to do so, instead of taking the times we had together so much granted. Koontz's words which I have padded below said it so succinctly and poignantly...

“Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”
           (Dean Koontz)

It seemed that I have to lose her before I could wake up to realise how special and precious were of the times we had spent together.  Even as most days were uneventfully dull and mundane. 

Jenny and I could sometimes bicker over the slightest of matters, blowing them beyond proportions, out of pricked ego (usually mine) or shortness in temper and patience,  suggesting a sign of early andropause, again on my part. But such apparent aberrations in our relationship reflect a deeper chemistry between us. We could speak out our minds openly and quickly. There is usually little need for tact or subtlety as we hide nothing from each other. 

We have spent so much time together, most times doing ordinary things - weekly shopping for groceries, attending Mass on Sundays, and so on  but looking back, as Koontz has stated, every moment had more meaning than could be recognised at that time and it is scary now for me to realise that I have to lose it all in order to recognise the deeper beauty and sanctity of it all.

Our precious time together is now a thing of the past, spent and gone.