Each day is a struggle even as my three kids spend enough time at home to ensure that I am not left alone in the house for too long. The warmth of their company brings in some cheer to lighten my heavy heart and help keep an even keel to my otherwise shaky existence.

 But at home, under this very same roof where we raised our family for the last 15 years, every corner and household object reminds me of her presence. I see her strolling around our little garden plot which she had insisted we kept and not tiled up the way most of our neighbors do for practicality. I see her stepping in and out of the kitchen to instruct our helper on how she would like the meals cooked.

Most weekdays, except for some variety  that work in the office could offer, would follow about the same routine.  But for today, which is a Thursday, it could have been different. Some days before, I had registered to join a Meetup invitation by a group of people for a music jamming and open mic singing session that came quite randomly into my email. It appeared to be an opportunity, and a rare one that allows me a chance to perform live to croon and strum on the guitar. There is also the chance to make new friends who share a common liking for music.

 But at the end I got cold feet. Some 15 mins before the meetup started I logged into the portal to reverse my RSVP. The thought of meeting a bunch of strangers, having to rise above my gloomy state to make small talk is a prospect best to be avoided. I figured that it was foolish to even consider joining the meetup in the first place. I had earlier toyed with the idea of playing "First Cut is the Deepest", following a rendition by Cat Stevens and I could probably put up a decent enough performance even as I have not been practicing lately. The audience would be polite enough to offer me an applause no matter how badly I sing or play, I figured. It is unlikely I would embarrass myself too much.

But somehow the thought of such social indulgence did not sit well in my mind. I would stay at home in the company of my kids and maintain the same routine that was followed through for most days since that fateful day of her untimely departure.