Can I let go?

I visited my elder sister last week. As I would expect, she quickly saw the sadness etched on my face and expressed concern about my general state of mind. She urged me to find a way to wean myself from the past and stop wallowing in grief. I have to learn to let go, she told me in her best meaning way.

I nodded slowly in agreement. But I could not convince myself that I could do it. Not for now or for some time to come, honestly speaking.

Why will it be so hard to let go?   

I love my wife with all my heart and probably every fibre of my body.  She is kind and gentle, not one who needed or wanted to be fussed over, nor pretentious and always she's honest and loyal. She is not naturally expressive or articulate, preferring to speak softly, giving praise sparingly and likewise complaining even less, unless the wrong-doing or mischief was caused by me, whom she would be then less hesitant in rebuking.  As a total package, I could almost say that she was made for me and I like to think that she had thought the same about me too. Our feelings, hopes and aspirations were so entwined with each other’s, after sharing some 30 years of our lives together, so letting go will really be hard to do.

I know that with time, memories of her - how she speaks, laugh, gripe and frown, the pitch and tone of her voice and her unique mannerisms and the time we have spent together will slowly fade and recede, like my thinning hairline. At some point, I might even say I have turned a corner and learn to be happy again. But for now it is hard to imagine this situation.  Jenny would surely not want me to dwell in sadness. Certainly not my children and at some point it will hurt them very much to see Dad wallowing away in yet another round of misery, my dear sister had so advised me.

And of course she was right. So I need to work on my new life, that was forced upon me by rather cruel circumstances beyond my control and learn to function as a singleton again. Being alone, without being able to return home from work each day to feel the warmth of her company is one aspect of the change that I have to deal with. Having had a life partner for so long, and one whom I could put complete trust in has provided me with so much comfort and assured feeling of security.  We often share our problems at work with each other and while we may not be able to offer real solutions, a problem shared is always a problem halved.  And then there is the decision-making. With Jen and me, day-to-day decisions, big or trivial, whether about household, the kids, the garden or our pet cat are rarely made by ourselves alone. But adapting to these changes, now that she is not here anymore will be something I believe I will eventually get used to. After all life has to go on.

But unfortunately our emotional bind goes beyond every day behavioural patterns, verbal exchanges and even physical love.  For now, the notion of letting go just does not sit well in my head.  The logical mind tells me that it is the right thing to do but the heart out-rightly rejects the idea. At the end, it seems even repulsive to think of overwriting images of her with some other being.

It will be hard to close the door and let go of a person whose life and mine are so closely entwined for so long.  This is not the time and I also cannot foretell when that can really happen.