Have you ever lost a loved one?

Have you ever lost a loved one? Someone who has been such a large part of your life, so close and so dear to you? Like she is your wife of 30 years?

Sigh, I know I am not alone. There have been more grievous loss I am sure and I do not wish to compare the pain that you might have gone through with what I am now going thru.

It has been 24 days since my wife, Jen died. She fought a brave battle against all hope for 6 months but from the start, once diagnosed, she never stood much of a chance. After all she had metastatic gastric cancer and there was only a hint of abdominal discomfort, a bloated stomach which brought her to see a doctor and next thing we know, it was already at 4th stage.

And 6 months later, after 7 rounds of chemo and 2 rounds of immunotherapy, my cancer warrior so to speak, subsided and took her last breathe on 17 April 2015, 1042am, distraught husband at her side, grasping her lifeless hand, sobbing beyond control along with her three kids, the loves of her life watching their mother drifting forever into neverland...

And since then life was never the same. Not that for the last 6 months, journeying with her in her fight, accompanying her for all her treatments and sitting by her side during her last 5 weeks in hospital was anything of a normal life.  But at least then she was there, sickly patient as she was and a pale shadow of her former self, she gave me purpose. 

Without her now, I feel lost, empty and sunken.  It is a strange feeling, this new reality which I keep reminding to accept. Life all around seems normal enough yet it feels not. After so many years together, it is hard to believe that I now reside in a world where my beloved Jen is not physically somewhere and it is disorientating. The silence in the house appears to have an echo ringing in my ears.  I look around, sees her at every corner, in her familiar pose, sitting on her favourite sofa, walking down the stairs or stepping out from the bathroom. Yet she is not here.

You would know it if you too have lost a dear one, like I did. And you would understand why I need to write down my sad feelings. I have never blogged before, which pretty much shows up as you could tell by now.  I am not sure how many more posts I would make or if continuing to do so would give me any kind of solace, so if you wish to follow me, do so at your own risk. You will find my ramblings pitiful and maybe even pathetic. I am not sure if I care too much after all you can always quit and read other stuff. Meanwhile, I will keep alive my love for her and memories of our time together...