I have mentioned briefly that the past weeks of mourning for the passing of my dearest wife has been kind of an emotional roller-coaster ride.  Yesterday I went to get my gastro and colonoscopy done just to ease my mind that I would not also fall sway to a cancerous end like my wife. 

Stomach cancer (which was what she had) is far rarer than colon cancer.  As many as 4-5 times of colon cancer cases are diagnosed each year compared to stomach cancer, which makes the case for my wife even sadder, in terms of the biological bad luck that struck her and inevitably also on the rest of us in the family.  Besides the last time I did my endoscope tests was some 8 years back.

The doctor whom I had consulted was reputable, at least noting from the many patients who were waiting in turn for his services.  I was hence made to lie on the hospital bed for an unexpectedly long period of time, with the nurse coming by occasionally to assure me that the wait will soon be over and apologising profusely on behalf of the doctor whom I was told was held up by a complicated patient.

While lying on the bed I could not help but recollect on my poor wife who had spent her last 5 weeks mostly bedridden due to the aggressive spread of the disease towards her peritoneal and abdomen. Lying flat on the hospital bed, staring upwards at the ceiling without anything to while my time was agonising but how much worse was it for my poor Jenny who had to endure the entire ordeal for so long?  I felt sick with sadness and tears well up in my eyes.

Just then the doctor came by and with his calming tone of voice, assured me that everything is alright.  The sedative was injected and within a minute I was into a deep restful sleep.

I came to a wake, thanks to one of the nurses and was told that the entire operation had gone smoothly and was long over. I checked the time and realised that it must have been more than  2.5 hours since I was sedated.  I had some difficulty moving and mentally was feeling disorientated but what was really unusual was a feeling of calm and peacefulness that I have not felt for a long time and especially throughout the last five weeks since my wife had passed on. I was clearly still groggy from the sedation and my movements are slow and uncertain but what was strange was that my thoughts were objectively clear. 

Yes, my beloved wife is no longer physically on this planet any more but life must go on.  I was not feeling sad as before. 

My mental state was in sharp contrast from the time before I had drifted into slumber-land.  Was it the result of the sedation? Probably so, which is unfortunate as at some point this relative euphoric state will diminish and sadness will gradually take over again. I for one will not resort to medication in place of a more self-managed state of mind as doing so will render me helpless, and turning me to become a addict.

But for much of the time after I had left the hospital, I was clear-headed and objective in my thoughts.