300 days and slowly counting

Festive holidays like Christmas and Lunar New years are just not the same anymore. All that gift-giving, the customary routines and familiar festive rituals which once brought so much warmth, glee and comfort have lost their charm. A smile is missing.

But hard as it was, the LNY holiday was finally over. Though not the festive season. It is customary for the LNY celebrations to go on for 15 days.

Today was the first day back to office. After a long weekend, prolonged by the two days of public holiday. As expected, it was a slow day. Many of our young staffers took leave to extend their celebration. So the office was unusually quiet. I had no appointments, nor meetings and kept mostly to myself, huddled around my computer in the privacy of my office room. I spoke to no more than 2 or 3 people throughout the day and took my time answering each email. A rare day indeed. Even rarer still, I found myself counting the hours to get home. Like a clock-watcher, the kind I would be careful about offering a job to. More days like these and the signal is clear.  That I should wind down, and call it a day. To retire for good.

But then again this slowness at work is to be expected. After a long CNY holiday break, it takes time to shake off the inertia and lethargy. Very soon, well before the week ends, normalcy will resume and our office engine will soon be buzzing away. Like a well-oiled machine, back to the usual hum-drum. I should enjoy the quiet while it lasts.

But some things remain as routine. Over the last 10 months or so. Leaving the office, in the same familiar posture. Shoulders hunched, stooping with hands in my pocket, as I slowly trudged to the car.  Above, the heavily clouded sky hinted rain, as did the balmy breeze stirring the falling leaves into a swirl around the near empty car park. It was an unusually cold evening.  As cold as the emptiness that has gutted me, this last 10 months or so.

10 months or so, since Jenny took her bow. From the stage of life.

Now, does this sound right?

No.  Stating her absence in such broad time periods sounds wrong. Where is the precision? It is not doing justice to the grief that is tearing me up each freaking day.  I should be exact.

Today is in fact 300 days since the day she died and it is only proper to state as that. No less. She has been dearly missed each and every one of these days. Not a single day had passed without me thinking of her, aching for her presence and missing her. So stating the time that she had gone missing in general and less precise terms is simply inappropriate.

So it has been 300 days. But how much have I learned? I know I need to re-learn anew. In this new and cruel reality forced upon me. Learn to live life again without her.  To be a single again. It has not been easy. I am not talking about being a swinging bachelor again. Youth is a far-fetch fantasy that is not even in my wildest dream worth conjuring. My creaking bones would constantly remind me my age.

In reality, these days, just by myself, I can think of a hundred and one things to do. Keep myself busy and occupied. A lot of my past-times can even be highly enjoyable. I could rekindle my passion and revive my flair for illustration and artistic renderings. I could further delve into music, improve my guitaring or learn to play other instruments – keyboards or the violin. And I could read, read and continue reading till my sight fails. Watch all the free movies I had missed through movie streaming sites, travel to exotic places before mobility fails me. Or simply sit around and do nothing.

There is also no shortage of people who are just a phone call or message away who can provide great fellowship and company.

But for now, everything I do appears to be just a whole lot of distractions. It all seems to be just things to do. To kill time. And while the days away. And keeping count.

The only time I truly feel fulfilling appears to be when I am alone.  Looking through my archives of photographs of her. And thinking of her. Or writing this blog posting. Grief is the unwanted companion I cannot quite shake off as I journey through this new reality.

So it appears I am not learning so well on how to re-start my life anew. Because it scares me that moving further ahead may mean leaving her behind. Doing the unthinkable. Forgetting her. This scares the hell out of me.

And it scares me too to think that I will be growing old alone, all by myself, without her.

It is only 300 days since she was gone.  Time seemed to have slowed down in this new life of mine. I must have been clock watching again.