A Day of Discoveries

Saturday, yesterday was a day of discoveries.

I read the night before of bloggers sharing a great place for running. The Pandan reservoir located at the south-western part of our island, not too far from where I live.  Why have I not thought of that before?

But Saturday morning started grey and drizzly. Come late morning, the rain subsided and with patience worn thin I put on my jogging gear and got into the car. The sky was heavy with clouds but not the kind that threatened rain. It was late already and I knew that by the time I got there I would be running under the mid-day sun. The reservoir is completely naked of trees unlike other water features elsewhere, but the thick blanket of clouds above me assured me that I could avoid heat-induced exhaustion.

I circled the roads running around the reservoir for the best parking spot, meaning one that might offer free parking. This is a rarity in our country where tight land constraints demand that any kind of space usage be fully chargeable. But golly be me, at a corner of the reservoir near the junction of West Coast and Penjuru, I found what I was looking for. A free car park for a canoeing club, opened also to the public and with ample lots still vacant. What a discovery.

The jogging path around the reservoir

The running path ringing the perimeter of the reservoir dyke is paved with soft sand and gravel. The cushioning effect is welcoming news to my creaking ankles and knees. But as I had expected, the entire route as far as I could see is completely exposed and totally unshaded.  Unlike other reservoirs formed by natural lakes, Pandan reservoir is a service reservoir specially built to feed the neighbouring industries.  The absence of greenery with only stark looking industrial buildings surrounding the reservoir might make for a rather un-picturesque scene but for the sheer openness and immensity of the water feature, the panoramic view before me was actually quite stunning. Straining my eyes to the far-side of the reservoir, at least a 3-4 km distance away, I could barely make out the track that connects to where I was standing. It is an amazing sight to behold. And quite a rare one in our tiny and massively jam-packed island. 



The opposite side of the reservoir was really quite far to make out

But the sweeping view of the reservoir spoke also of the grinding toll ahead. For any would-be jogger like me, attempting to slog through its full perimeter. With a circumference of about 6km, this would be one path too long for my limited stamina. But I could always jog as far as I could and stroll through the remaining distance back to the start-point.

Aside from canoers, the reservoir was quite deserted.

Pandan reservoir was a really fine discovery despite its bareness and lack of shade.  There was a gentle breeze blowing across the reservoir but as I realized later that cooling feel was limited to only one side of the perimeter.  Across the opposite side, the air was still and stuffy. Despite the cloudy sky, the heat and humidity of the mid-day run bore down on my fast tiring body, sapping away my energy.  After half an hour of trotting at a steady speed, I slowed down to a brisk walk. I had covered slightly more than 4.5 km of the 6km path. Not a bad start for this first-time visit. I made a mental note to come by this reservoir again for my future exercise regimes. And better during the early morning or late evening hours. Admittedly, a very pleasant discovery of a new jogging destination by all means.

But through most of my exertion around the reservoir, my mind was as heavy as the clouds hanging in the sky above. I was mulling over a discovery of another sort. One that was made earlier, during breakfast

Earlier in the morning, a report in the newspaper's Top of the News section caught my attention. A clinical trial held at the National University Cancer Institute on a new form of chemotherapy treatment that can prolong the lives of patients with advanced gastric cancer, yielded very promising results.  The trial was started in 2013 and announced in a Consortium of experts of this terrible disease. 

Jenny died of advanced gastric cancer. She was diagnosed in late 2014.  We opted for a private oncologist to treat her on the recommendation of the hospital where she was first diagnosed, thinking that this option, though a more costly one, might offer her the best chances for survival. On hindsight it was a naïve one on our part and perilous for my dear wife.

But what troubled me was why were we not pointed to this clinical trial? We were led to believe that our oncologist was one of the best in gastric cancer.  Could he not have known about this new form of chemotherapy? True it was still under trial, largely unproven in its early stages. But we could have at least gone to check on it, if we had some information about its on-going. Or was our doctor at worse, withholding this information from us, putting his business interest ahead of his patients’ well-being?

Was I being fair to the doctor to think that way? I journeyed back to the many visits made to his clinic, the long hours of waiting in the cheerless silence of the reception area, the anxious meetings with the doctor trying to decipher the underlying messages behind his diagnosis. I could not help thinking also that the doctor might be using Jenny as a learning experiment for himself.

If only we had searched harder and sought advice from other doctors.  We had placed too much hope, no, in truth all our hope, rather foolishly in the hands of a single private practitioner. One who was well-poised to win us over by his confidence and apparent display of concern and suave demeanour. 

Asking a whole load of “what ifs” and "if only" at this time was totally pointless.  I was mindful of that. It does not make much sense to pursue this again, I kept telling myself.

But still I needed to get it off my chest.

So I went home and tapped out an email to the doctor.  I do not think I will get a reply but felt nevertheless the need to write.  This is the first time we would be communicating since Jenny died.  The last time I wrote to him was to update him that Jenny had passed on.  His reply of condolences was short and curt.  Again I have often wondered on hindsight, why I had even bothered to update him at all. 

And once again I find myself on familiar ground, wondering why I am sending this to him.

 Dear Dr ____

I read today’s news feature, (http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/singapore-chemo-trial-gives-hope-to-gastric-cancer-patients) on the chemo trial carried out at the National Cancer Institute of Singapore that gives hope to gastric cancer patients, with a heavy heart of mixed feelings.

If you can recall, my wife Jenny was diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer in Oct 2014 by you on the recommendation of the hospital.  After 7 cycles of chemotherapy involving two different drug regiments, followed by 2 courses of immunotherapy, she died in April 2015. 

To read from the news that the above-mentioned clinical trial was announced in 2013 at the Singapore Gastric Cancer Consortium, my family is bitterly disappointed that over the 6-7 months of frequent consultation we received from you, there was never any information from you about the on-goings of this clinical trial taking place.  The information could have prompted us to explore as an option that might have offered my late wife a better chance of surviving or improving her quality of life.

Why was this information of the clinical trials at NCIS not made known to us?

In retrospect, recalling how Jenny’s condition had so swiftly deteriorated as the cancer spread into her peritoneum, we look back with painful regret that we might have misplaced our trust and hope with the wrong hospital and oncologist. Jenny’s life was cut short and she suffered an immensely poor quality of life during the months of treatment.

Sincerely,

Keith