A new chapter?

It is often said, when one chapter closes a new one opens. I tend to see my life now as one of two chapters, the first with my late wife, Jenny and the second, the one that now defines my time on this planet where she is no longer a physical part of. 

I suppose if life is like a book, and if some chapters are good and happy ones then it is to be expected that some chapters will be sad ones.

Jenny’s passing, with one turn of the page has flipped my life to the beginning of a very sad chapter. It is now 12 weeks and 1 day into this new phase and it portends a rather predictable unhappy ending for my life story or what remains to be written and read.

You might argue that how the future unfolds will really depend on how I want this next page to be written. After all it is my life. I have a choice on how I should lead it.

This morning I spent some time by myself at our Botanic Gardens.  The tropical garden with its lush and verdant flora and landscape is one of my favourite places to jog and I started my usual ½ hour route and finished up at the Visitors’ Centre.  The garden was crowded as expected.  It has recently been inscribed as a UNESCO World Heritage site, the first of such for a tropical botanic garden, which explains the larger than usual throngs of visitors on this weekend day.

Sitting by myself on a park bench, there was an endless stream of people, mostly young couples and some older ones, walking by either by themselves or with children in tow. A youngish looking couple had arranged and set up a small canopy adorned with colourful animal-shaped balloons and flowers for a photo-shoot of their new born baby child.  Elsewhere, couples were strolling together hand in hand or with dogs on leashes.  They all appeared relaxed, cheery and blissful, obviously enjoying the lush greenery and peaceful setting of the park.

Amidst the serenity of this morning setting I found it hard not to feel somewhat lonely and deprived. Cancer has cruelly robbed me of my beloved partner-for-life.  No more can I enjoy her presence and companionship nor share the magic of such moments at our beautiful botanic gardens or anywhere else. I have been thrown into the deep end of a murky pool. I have to learn anew on how to face the struggles of life very much on my own. With retirement looming and age creeping up, the future years to live out alone and by myself appear dull and dim and even ominously dark and worrying.

“Could you not consider re-marrying?”, a few friends have bravely tossed up this question.  My cynical and somewhat incredulous look made up for my muted reply.  I was quite sure they later regretted raising this, after all Jenny’s passing on has not been long and to suggest that I should move on by itself seemed inappropriate even.  But of course I knew they had meant well. 

After spending and sharing 30 years of time together, our lives are really quite entwined. It will not be easy to disentangle myself from all the old memories and happy times we shared with each other. There is an interlocking, a bond, which will take a lot of time to undo. I am also so used to her ways, style and mannerism.  How she speaks, laugh and gripe. The gentleness and glimmer in her eyes that spoke to me, without the need for words, her love for me.  It is a love I am so assured of that is unconditional and everlasting.

Could there be another female who could accept me as who I am, with all my imperfections and more than frequent moody disposition? I doubt too that I will find the motivation to court anyone else.  You may caution me to never say never. There was an old James Bond movie with this same title to remind me even.  But right now, re-marrying is a very unlikely twist that can be written into my book of life.

For a start, I will need to make new space in my heart. But for now,  it is all Jenny and she occupies every corner and firmly rooted at centre-stage. 

My computer desktop background, on standby mode, flashes out page after page of a voluminous digital photo collection I have of her – pictures taken on past holidays or with the family together.  I have selected some of her best shots and framed them to adorn the walls in our living room. More picture prints of her were put up in our bedroom. Hers will be the face I see first each morning when I flick on the light switch.  Her wardrobe is still flushed with all her clothes as are her trinkets, jewellery and make-up sets on the dressing table. It will take a long while before I will clear out her things.

So while a new chapter unfolds, I will continue living in the past.  I cannot imagine a new script with pages for any one new.  Not unless she is a clone and even then, the fit may not be enough to displace my beloved and belated wife, whom I hold so dear to my heart.  A new door has opened but I could not allow the previous one to be shut.