100 days

 Well it is Saturday again and if you had half suspected that I will be writing again about my exercise routine, you are right. 

I started the day with my usual run or jog. I decided to head for my office at Dover, where I could park for free and run to the same nearby HDB block, where I had failed last week to climb to the top. I felt more determined now not to allow any negative thoughts and my fear of heights weigh me down this time.

At the foot of the high rise housing block

I reached the cluster of blocks after about 7 minutes of trotting, and headed straight for the stairwell of the nearest block. It would be a 40 storey high climb if I could go all the way.  These are the blocks that my colleagues would use for their twice-weekly vertical exercise routine. I had never once joined them. It would be tough for me to keep pace with them as they are a lot younger and fitter, and as I had said before I always prefer to exercise on my own. 

I got past the first 10 stories, panting heavily but not feeling too bushed out. It was an important hurdle to overcome, mentally at least, as last week I got all worn out and was mentally and physically defeated at the 11^th floor.  It was pathetic even for anyone aging on the wrong side of 50s. I was hence spurred to work harder this time. So I continued my ascent, labouring one step at a time at a measured pace, careful not to overstrain my feeble heart.  Soon I struggled past the 20^th floor. Focussing on each flight of steps, taking one step at a time, I tried to ignore counting the number of flights left. 

I reached the 30^th floor, dog-tired. With some effort I might make it another 5 or even 10 flights up, though that would appear to be pushing myself too far. But as it turned out I could not get any higher as the stairwell ended there.  I realised that I had mistaken this building to be 40 stories high, when it has only 30 floors. I  must admit I was pleasantly relieved that I need not further punish myself to clamber another 10 floors up.  Perhaps I had inadvertently picked a shorter block to climb even though from the ground all the blocks within this cluster appeared to be built to equal heights. Anyway, making it up 30 floors was not too bad an achievement for this pair of aged and wobbly legs.  Better than last week’s for sure. 

View from the 30th floor

Back on solid ground I decided to take the long route back, along the canal path that connects westward to Clementi Road and then heading back eastwards along Dover road to get back to the car-park. Only that I would not be running all the way. More like a walk and jog as the whole distance might be about 6-7km long and having expended so much of my energy on the 30 floor climb, I probably would be walking more than jogging.

But I could take all the time I want. In the past, when I do go for these solo Saturday morning jaunts, I would be very mindful of staying out too long.  At some point Jenny would wake up and would text or call me asking when I could get back home. She would need me to drive her to the market. Or there could be other chores waiting for me. So do I feel less restrained and more care-free now that she is not here anymore? Dammed if I do.   What I would give to just hear her sweet voice again.  I dearly miss that air of expectation of receiving a call from her for me to get my butt back home.

Well, Jenny is no longer waiting at home anymore and I would have to accept that.  The good old halcyon days are but sweet memories of the past, all done and gone.

BTW, today is also the 100^th day since Jenny’s passing.  Last week, I was reminded by her sister to arrange for a special prayer for her at her niche.  It is customary in the Chinese tradition to observe 100 days of mourning for the deceased in the family.  But I was not sure if such grieving etiquette is applicable to the Catholic faith. But then if her sister had said that I should arrange for it, then being the half-baked believer who knows far less of the faith and the rituals that come with it, mine was not to question why.

Besides for us all coming together for a prayer session would a great opportunity for me and the kids to see the rest of Jenny’s family. To stay connected as her dearest sister had said.

So today we attended the early evening mass.  At around 6pm, the rest of the family clan converged at Jenny’s niche. The columbarium office had earlier arranged for flowers, candles and hymnal books stacked neatly on a small table covered with white cloth, placed in front of the niche.

After the prayer, we adjourned for dinner together at the coffee shop at the back of the church.  Jenny would have enjoyed such fuss free get-together meetings with her family. She would be most at ease chatting with her brothers and sisters. I certainly missed seeing her in this relaxed mood, seated together at the table.

Jenny would always look forward to her family gatherings.  And there have been countless occasions in the past.  Theirs is a closely knitted family and they get together several times a year for all kinds of reasons - birthday celebrations, death anniversaries and so on. I could only envy her for having such loving and caring family members, who are always there when needed.

But for this evening, it was somewhat ironical that the reason for our gathering was to commemorate Jenny’s 100^th day of passing away.  So while I enjoyed the evening and the warmth of her family, I had to accept that it was her tragic departure that led to this reunion gathering.

It would be a moot point to make as you know by now, but I missed having her all over again and wished Jenny was with us on this night like she would be on so many such occasions before.